I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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