I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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