I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
