it's too hot outside to masturbate.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
