This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
