Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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