Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
It's never too late to be topless.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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