Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
