have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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