She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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