This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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