How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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