I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
