Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
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