you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
