I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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