mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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