I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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