dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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