I just made out with a guy for $7.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
