This gyro tastes like lonliness
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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