I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
