i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
