can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
