I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
