im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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