getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
