if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
