she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
