I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
