i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
