I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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