the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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