I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
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If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
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He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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