all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
