If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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