There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
