He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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