one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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