there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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