my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
People with herpes should wear stickers.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
