Your face is a jimmy john
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
