he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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