u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
