she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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