Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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