Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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