if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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