he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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