Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
True strength comes from lack of pants
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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