Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
