It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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