if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I would ride that face into the sunset
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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