apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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