Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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