Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
