You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
